Let’s talk about sex, baby

After giving birth many women are pretty fragile. The results of labour are pretty traumatic to the body and nobody tells you about the immediate after affects. Like after all the pushing and crying and cuddling, when you start getting the feeling back in your legs and you go to the bathroom nobody tells you that you could still be heavily bleeding down there. Which i discovered horrifically, the private bathroom looked like a set for texas chainsaw massacre. They also don’t tell you the damages down there, the effects of them or a way to deal with them.

If your midwife did, please pass around her number.

You could be fine or you could be torn, or like me, you could be grazed.

Apparently grazed is worse than torn, because if you’re torn they can stitch the exposed  nerves back together, if you’re grazed it’s just open, like when you graze your knee or elbow, it’s a shallow open wound. And nothing makes you feel more unsexy than every time you need to pee having to completely undress your bottom half and get in the bath or shower to pee, or the having to lean totally forward with your hands on the floor sat on the toilet.

For the most part sex is off the table but with all the hormones raging around inside of you, we can pretty frustrated and impatient. Sex was probably off the table near the end of pregnancy anyway, i know that the closer i got to my due date the more incapable i was to reaching climax, which is just your body reacting to pregnancy, you’re already pregnant why would you need sex? Or you could just feel too big for sex. Either way, it’s been a while. I was comfortable enough for sex about a month after birth, i know they tell you to wait at least 2 but every woman is different in their ability to recover.

First time me and my husband had sex it was a little weird, like having sex for the first time again. I had a fear of the experience being similar to throwing a sausage down an ally way, i hadn’t exactly been vigilant in my pelvic floor exercises, i had enough going on than to remember to tense ‘down there’ and count to 10. But it was good, maybe a little bit like losing my virginity again, but with someone who already knew exactly what they were doing.

I think my main issue with the after baby sex was my stomach, I’ve never been a skinny woman but my belly sat differently, hung lower, felt squishier. I have wide hips so i looked bigger than i actually am, but i was proud of my shape, though chubby i had a lot of muscle. Now I’m….flabby, and that really kicks down your confidence. I became paranoid my husband no longer found me attractive, that the reasons we weren’t having sex was me. Well it was me, but it was me getting into a onsie before bed instead of my regular nighties.

After a couple of months i felt a disconnect in our relationship and one night in bed i broke down i tears and told him i felt ugly and grotesque.

My husband told me to stop being silly, how could he think of me that way when my body was used to produce our beautiful son. My belief that he didn’t want me anymore was in my head.

Now the only reason we don’t have sex very often is the because we’re tired. Not the made up reasons i came up with because of my posts baby body.

Ladies, motherhood isn’t what we thought

Okay so i don’t know how many people this will reach but it’s essential I put this out there.

An important message, our struggles are the same, we are not alone, help is never to far away and, don’t let anyone make you feel less than you are if you’re struggling.

I am a first time mum, I’d say new but 6 months in I can’t really say I’m  new mum anymore. After my little angel was born, i went through the many stages of emotion we all do.

Euphoria, love and the eventual baby blues.

I think a lot of baby blues stems from that initial lack of sleep, if you have a partner sometimes you can split the load but they don’t always understand that through the night you wake up to every sound they make, every sigh, every sneeze, every movement.

And probably feel like you’re doing everything on  your own. If you’re unlucky enough like me, when the paternity leaves over your husband goes back to work on a nightshift, and then you really feel like a single parent, alone all day and then climbing into bed on your own on a night, i know it certainly didn’t help my case of baby blues.

And I’m not going to be a….insert insult of your choice….and say, you ladies with men who don’t work a night shift have no idea how lucky you are and shouldn’t complain or be as tired or down in the dumps as me, because that’s crap.

My husband can be pretty helpful, you could have the most helpful husband ever when it comes to the baby, but your frustration can just shift to something else. In my case it’s the housework, i have piles if clean unfolded washing waiting for my attention, my husband can’t wipe down a kitchen countertop, or put a new bag in the bin after he’s taken the rubbish out, he leaves cups and glasses all over the house. Now it drives me insane, it is his fault but it shouldn’t bother me as much asvit should.

This is apparently sign if depression.

Now, I love my LO, he’s the light of my life and just looking at him just gives me the warm and fuzzy feeling we’re all supposed to feel constantly, but we don’t. We get frustrated, we get annoyed, we get sad. I think the biggest stigma to mother hood is that if you feel a little low, if every now and then you give yourself a little mental confirmation that they’re worth it, you’re a very bad person.

Mums are allowed to feel bad. You are.

I’ve realised that most of our basis for what parenthood is like is TV/film. And they don’t represent correctly. Full time Mums are usually seen as the comic relife, oh look at that full time mum she looks like crap and says repeatedly to never have children because it’s hell, then there are what I like to call, wind up Mums, so shelfed and by the book, the stereotypical won’t discipline my kids so they don’t listen to me and i act like it’s okay but the tension i have in my forehead gives me migraine, but ha ha ha aren’t kids such a gift. These women are comical and people laugh at them because how ridiculous but those are our representation. If i go into all the sub categories I’ll be here all day.

But the main one i take issue with is ‘stepford mum’. The perfect Mother, after giving birth there’s only a fair mist of sweat on her brow and her hair is still perfect, she has no remains of the baby bump immediately after birth, she doesn’t spend time in front of the mirror before a rushed shower for weeks after examining stretch marks. Nope, she breastfeeds but you never see it and it never interferes with coffee with her friends, the house is always spotless and she looks perfect every second of everyday.

And ‘stepford mum’ doesn’t exist, not in the common woman, she exists in the space of Nannies and house keepers, in a lot of money. If this is you, well done, because i wish i had that. Time.

But sadly no, i am, piles of laundry, sweatpants are my day wear, i tie my hair up but i rarely see the point when my son just pulls it out and coffee with my friends fits into his schedule, between feeds and naps and dirty nappies.

Because that is the common woman.

And it’s okay, it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to have a messy house and to not look fantastic.

Help is never too far away, you are not alone, we’re in it together ladies.

Salutations.